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If I have offended you...
How often has someone said to you " if I have offended you I am really sorry"Some time ago I heard this phrase said in a mediation. What the apologetic party was hoping for was that his apology would be accepted, forgiveness would be granted and they could all move on with a restored relationship.
Is that what happened? No! In fact the opposite occurred. The offended party became even more offended and upset because he considered the apology/ confession to be pretty much worthless.
The key word in this scenario is the little "if" word. It ruins the apology/confession because it sends a message that you do not acknowledge that you did anything to harm the person. It becomes a superficial statement designed to look like an apology but without really being one. It is actually a non confession.
Of course the offended party has every right to see through this apology as one that lacks responsibility. When someone wrongs us in some way we want them to take responsibility and acknowledge it. The "if" word has the effect of neutralising the confession and destroys its ability to convey sincere repentance and to soften the heart of the offended person.
The mediation I was conducting suddenly became a bit more difficult and as a result it was necessary to take a break to explain to the apologising party why all of a sudden the other party had become upset. I had failed in my attempt to coach a proper confession and I needed to get this right. When I explained to the other party why the offended party had got mad at his confession he could then see what a dangerous little word "if " was.
As a result once this was cleared up the mediation went forward and an agreement was subsequently reached.
The other small words to avoid are " but " and "maybe". These words will also effectively neutralize an apology. " I should have kept my mouth shut but you got on my nerves." The "but" word has an ability to cancel out what went before it as it is only the second part of the sentence that the hearer will receive. " I know I did wrong but so did you!" Consider how you would react to that apology!
The leading text of a thorough confession is contained in Psalm 51. I would encourage you to read it. There is no "if" in David's psalm. He clearly takes responsibility for his sin and recognises the offence.
Next time you offend someone and seek to restore the relationship remember no "Ifs, buts or maybes"
Why should I forgive her? This has cost me heaps!
This is a common thought people have when they who are the offended parties are asked to extend forgiveness.It goes against our sense of justice. The person is getting off scott free. How fair is that? I have been hurt, let down, ripped off and now I am supposed to forgive. What do I get out of it? Nothing!
Whilst restitution is a biblical remedy, in many cases the offending party is not able to provide it. What happens then? Why should I forgive?
For me I am always blessed by going back to the well known story in Matthew 18:23-35. I am blessed because I am very much reminded of the debt I have been forgiven. The comparison is enormous- forgiven the equivalent of several hundred million dollars as against just a few dollars. This comparison is deliberately excessive. It is surely a reminder that we can never deserve or earn the huge payment made to ransom our lives.
"In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us" ( Eph1:7-8)
God's grace is rich. It is lavish. Even more so when it is totally undeserved and given to us whilst we are in a very state of rebellion towards God.
This is something that we lose sight of when we want to withhold forgiveness. We have forgotten what God has done for us. Just like the unforgiving servant we are often the same. The fact remains it is not so hard to forgive an offence if we truly know the extent of the forgiveness we have in Christ.
Is it worth holding onto unforgiveness? What is the cost- emotionally, physically and spiritually?
I read a quotation ( unfortunately I do not know who the author is ) which is very telling. It goes like this " Unforgiveness is the poison we drink hoping others may die " Think about that next time you consider withholding forgiveness. I do not want to minimise the difficulty of granting forgiveness. It may take time but at the end of the day it is necessary for your health and salvation. In difficult situations seek God. Only he can grant you the help to forgive someone who has caused you great pain.
Is conflict really an opportunity?
So often when conflict hits us it is unexpected. Often times we ask "what did I do to deserve this?" "Why has this happened to me?" Does God not care? Is He unaware of what is going on? Is He even negligent and this event in my life has taken him by surprise!Perhaps we need to see conflict as something other than a problem for ourselves but rather as an opportunity to glorify God. Next time you are facing a conflict situation ask yourself this question: "How can I please and honour God in this situation? " That is a very focussing question and hopefully will give you time to think before you just react out of habit.
You may be a person who sees conflict as a good opportunity to fight to get your own way and thus ‘win' the conflict. On the other hand you may be a person whose first reaction is to flee because conflict is bad and I don't want anything to do with it.
Seeing conflict as an opportunity can assist you change your attitude and see that the way you react to conflict is very important. What signal do you send to those around you by reacting out of the flesh to conflict? How is God's name and his kingdom going to be affected by this conflict and the way you approach it?
Is it possible to allow conflict to work some good in your life by using it as an opportunity to glorify God? Let me suggest to you some ways conflict can glorify God.
Firstly, consider whether the conflict provides you with an opportunity to carry someone's burden.
" Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ. As we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers"- Gal6:2,10
Secondly, can you use the conflict to help someone change through constructive confrontation.
" Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently "-Gal 6:1
Thirdly , Consider the conflict an opportunity to grow to be like Christ.
" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."- Rom8:28-29
This simple way of considering conflict as an opportunity will result in an approach to conflict resolution that will produce good and lasting fruit. Give it a go and see what happens!
Overlook ! I don't think so!
At a recent mediation I suggested to one party that one possibility of dealing with a small offence might be to overlook it. "I don't think so! " was the response. "Why should I do that!" That is a fair question and deserves a response. The answer really lies in determining the degree of the offence. Is the offence really that bad? Has it created a barrier between you and the other person for more than a short period of time? Is the offence causing harm to God's reputation, to others or the offender? Is it something that still makes you angry several days after the incident or is it something that after a day or two you realise it was just the other person having a bad day and you were the nearest person for them to let fly at.If is not too serious then you can choose to overlook the offence. It is an active step inspired by the mercy of God.
Sometimes we do not count the cost of the fight both spiritually, emotionally and even financially. Solomon knew what he was talking about when he said in Proverbs 19:11
"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence."
He also said in Proverbs 17:14
"Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out"
As we all know from experience it is very easy to start a dispute or quarrel and then to carry it on. We see conflict as a contest between winning and losing. But how many of us know how much water lies behind the dam? Are your actions in continuing a quarrel going to result in the dam bursting and mud flowing everywhere? At that point the picture is of a great force and energy which is out of control. Untold damage can flow from a dam burst.
Let's not be too hasty in pulling the plug out of the dam wall and starting something that may be very costly to repair.
Patience comes from wisdom. Patience is also a fruit of the spirit along with self control. Unfortunately this fruit is not too evident when Christians are in dispute. As we grow in Christ as mature believers by ( amongst other things) overlooking offences that should be overlooked, then this fruit will develop more and more in our lives. We will see that conflict has been an opportunity and we will have grown that much more into the likeness of Christ.
Truth - a commodity in short supply
Many of us know Jesus words in John 14:6 where he emphatically declares:"I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one can come to the Father but through me."
Because He is the Truth and we all fall short of his standards, truth seeking is in short supply in our society, in our families and in the workplace.
It is so easy and simple to ‘bend' the truth in our explanations, our apologies and in our conduct. It seems like it is our natural behaviour. The explanation we give to ourselves is that people will not like the truth so we make it palatable by bending it. We also want to protect ourselves by covering up our shortcomings, weaknesses and sin. We don't want to admit stuffing things up or getting things wrong- much easier to blame someone else or deny responsibility , perhaps even blaming it on a system fault!
Sometimes when we have been offended by someone it is simply because they have told the truth, exposed some dealing or talk of ours that was not truthful and we don't like it. As a result when we lash out verbally against that person or to their friends we are then making it worse for the truth bringer. May be next time they will be discouraged, not readily sharing the truth and as a result we will continue in our sin.
I have seen on numerous occasions a person has tried to encourage a family member or friend, perhaps lovingly confronting them about an issue or a comment only to see a verbal attack in response. People so often attack the messenger rather than the message. What a sad result that a Christian would rather hang on to deception rather than hear the truth. Hands up who wants to be a messenger in that situation?
What is the response of a peacemaker?
"Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head that is Christ "- Ephesians 4:15
It is real maturity of faith when a Christian can lovingly encourage a fellow believer without fear, in the hope that such a person will embrace the truth of God.
" Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." – Gal 6:1.
Our job is to speak the truth in love. It is God's job to change people.
Don't give up on family and friends. God does not give up on us so take courage and hold on to truth. No one said being a Peacemaker is an easy option.